So lately, I've been noticing that the Mormons are advertising ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE....they're on my radio ALL THE FUCKING TIME to the point that I change the station because their commercial is longer than the average commercial (or maybe I'm just thinking it's longer because it's so damn irritating).
It makes me wonder what they're planning...now, for the record, I'm not against the Mormons (hell, I'm not against any religion because I really don't give a shit what god, goddess, witch, deity or idol you prefer). But really, Mormons? What's up? Why are you all over my radio & my TV? Do you want me to become a Mormon? Do you want me to give my firstborn to you? Are you planning some kind of takeover against all the non-Mormons of the world? Please explain it to me so that I don't begin harboring a secret fear of you and begin stashing canned goods in my bomb shelter for fear that you are coming to take me away....
And why do you want me to know that along with being a Mormon you're also a wife or a diver or a tuba player? I know, I know, I skipped some of the other things you are that are mentioned in the commercials, it wasn't done on purpose, I promise. Please don't hate me. I think it's fantastic that you Mormons have more than one role in life. But why do you want me to know about it? This is what makes me paranoid of you. It's like you're trying to convice me that under that big Mormon premise, you want me to be sure & understand that you can play the tuba (which, in my opinion, is code for "one who wants to take me away"). If that's not the case & you really do play the tuba, YAYAYAY for you! I really mean that! Fan fucking tastic for you!!! BRAVO, Mr. Tuba Player/Mormon!
And how come you're the only ones on my TV and my radio? How come I don't hear about the Rastafaris & their "parallel life as a tuba player" or the Buddhists & their "parallel life as librarian"? Please, please, please just tell me what you're planning, or what the purpose is of these very loooooooooonnnnngggggg and FREQUENT commericals is.....it's starting to keep me up at night. Nobody spends that kind of money on all that advertising (and in a recession that has ended that really hasn't ended) without some sort of secret plan. If you could just let me know, give me peace of mind, I will feel so much better & be so much more productive while awake...as it is right now, I jump at the slightest noise and I scream when my bf tries to touch me because I wonder if he's already been "taken" in that secret plot....one can never be too careful--and frankly, it's pissing him off because he's starting to lose his hearing from all of my screaming.
So Mormons, from now on, please know that I love you all, I also love your "parallel lives", too....from all the Bra Fitters clear down to the Molecular Biologists (and that is not in any sort of order, I promise!). I have nothing but respect for each & every one of you & I think you're swell. I really mean that. But please don't take me away just yet (if that's the plan but I hope it's not) because I'm too busy working and paying taxes and getting a divorce and suing an oil company (technically that's work but I do think about it at home, I hope that doesn't bother you) and a myriad of other things....basically, if you take me away, you'll have one less sarcastic person in society & I think you all might get bored if you stash us away in your secret hideouts.
Thank you for giving me the time to respond to your commercials. I'll try really hard not to change the radio station the next time I hear one. OMG! That's the plot, ISN'T IT??? You're COUNTING how many times I change the station in order to know WHO YOU ARE TAKING......OMG.....deep breaths......deep breaths......Ok. I have to go now. I think I'm going shopping for some canned goods at lunchtime.