Let's get this year over.

Happy Eve of New Year's Eve.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas (or whatever holiday you so observe).

I didn't take any vacation over the holidays because I have five kids living at my house right now.  I know you just winced when you read that.  Needless to say, I'm at work.

Obviously working hard, too.  But whatever.

2011 is almost here.  I'm sort of hopeful that it's going to be a decent year.  2009 & 2010 were kind of difficult.  But they are over (or almost over).  Let's not dwell on the past.

On Christmas Eve morning, we drove into our hometown.  Mind you, I was dreading even going there because I hate the place, I think a majority of the people are toxic & I have no reason to be there anymore.  And yes, my mom & sister live there but my mom refused to see me, yet again.  It's okay, I'm used to it.

We got into town & stopped at W's aunt's house first.  We chatted with his cousins & aunt for a while.  I was waiting to hear back from my sister about our "let's get this family back together" meeting.  We left & went to a local hole-in-the-wall for a beer.  We know the owners & W knows everyone in the damn place.  We stay for about an hour, chatting with everyone.  I never heard from my sister so I told W to drive me by her house (she was supposedly working).  Well, my mom's Jeep & my sister's car were in the driveway.  I called my sister.  No answer.  I called my mom--she answered (because until that moment, she did not know my cell number).  I ask if we're meeting & she says no, it was supposed to be yesterday.  UM, no it wasn't.  I tell her to put my sister on the phone (the one who planned & scheduled this).  I ask her if she told Mom it was supposed to be yesterday & she says no.  So my mom lied to my face (or to my phone, whatever) & apparently thought my sister would back her up.  I was furious.  I asked my sister if we were going to meet and her exact response was "I guess not."  I said gee, thanks for letting me know & hung up.  I didn't hear from any of them again.  W drove me back over to her house & I put my mom's gift in her Jeep & my sister's gift in her car (well shit, I worked hard on them & hauled them all the way there, no way was I hauling them back).  And we left.  W said my niece was watching out the window.  I didn't hear from them again.

After that, I was pretty upset.  This isn't a new scenario or anything but it upsets me every single time.  W is always floored at how they act.  He is very close to his mom (his dad died when he was 9) so he doesn't understand how my mom can be the way she is.  Anyway, I was crying & told him to just take me to his mom's house & he could leave me there while he went to do his shopping.  We go there & his stepdad is home.  I've composed myself enough to have a regular conversation with Stepdad.  W takes his stepdad's truck to do his shopping because he figured if my mom or sister saw him in our car, there would be some kind of scene.  Yes, our hometown is that small.

I hauled all the Christmas presents into the house & wrapped them while chit-chatting with Stepdad.  I'm replaying the family scene in my head--it drives me crazy but wrapping presents is a nice distraction.  I run out of wrapping paper so I leave to get more.  By the time I get back, W is home, napping on the couch.  His kids arrive a few minutes later & we proceed to have Christmas with them.  They tore into their gifts, toys were everywhere, it was chaos.  We had dinner & that, too, was chaos.  Afterward, the kids are playing in the living room & W & I are sitting (actually kinda half-laying) on the couch watching them.  I wasn't paying attention to W and by the time I realized what he was doing, there he was in front of me, on one knee, ring in hand.  "Wanna get married awhile?" he says.

HUH?  What is happening?  Are you serious?  Is that a real ring?  Yes.  Yes, this is happening & he is dead serious & the ring is very real.  And beautiful.  And there he is, holding it, watching me with his big green eyes.  He wants to marry me.  I want to marry him.  So I said "yeah.  I want to marry you for awhile."  And now I'm wearing a ring. 

Goodbye 2010 and hello 2011.  It's a new beginning.  In so many ways.

***consider this my disclaimer that you may be subjected to reading my complaints & bitching about wedding crap.  Planning is NOT my forte & neither is all the fru-fru/mushy/cute/ shit that comes along with weddings.  You've been warned.

Happy New Year, everyone.


It's been awhile.

And I apologize.  I would blame the holidays or work or whatever but really, who cares?

So have I mentioned that I hate the holidays?  I truly wish I could pass out on November 1 & wake up March 1.  Yeah, I know....that's longer than the holiday season but there's a reason:  February.  I hate it, too.  Let me backtrack & start with Thanksgiving.  It's tolerable, for the most part.  Except that I loathe traveling.  His family is 4 fucking hours away (so is mine, but that's another story).  We had planned to stay home this year.  Then he says "this is the first year I've not spent Thanksgiving with my family."  Hello guilt (sort of).  Here's what got me about that--how does a 40yo man spend EVERY Thanksgiving with family, specifically his mom?  How does that happen?  Oh yeah--you're all from the same tiny town & still live there.  Until his marriage dissolved & he left town.  So he makes that statement & guess what?  We drive 4 hours on Thanksgiving morning.  Lucky me.  But whatever....it's the holiday spirit, right?  RIGHT?????  So there's Thanksgiving.

Then Christmas.  I don't have my boys this year, they are in Florida with their dad.  Which is just fine with me.  And he & I agreed:  He'd focus on the small items on their lists & I'd get each of them their "big" present.  Whatever.  The only reason there is anything "Christmasy" going on here is because I have kids.  Otherwise, I wouldn't even give a crap.  I don't like shopping, I don't like crowds, I don't like the fact that gifts are a REQUIREMENT.    My dream Christmas?  I'd like to be in my garage (I have a woodstove in there), sitting at my table, on my laptop, drinking beer.  Merry Christmas.  Do you think that's going to happen?  NOPE.  Of course not.  We are going to drive FOUR FUCKING HOURS north.  Again.  Oh--and my sister called....in order to "get this family back together" she & my mom want me to come out to Mom's house & "talk".  Which is code for "gang up & yell".  So it's been deemed (jokingly) "My Intervention".  Which is occuring on Christmas Eve.  Merry Christmas.  I can see how this one is going to end.

New Years--just another day.  And this year, for New Year's Eve, I get to hang with three 7 yo's.  Yippee.  And then drive 2.5 hours to drop 2 of them off with their mother.  I wonder if I could somehow get out of that drive....hmmmmm.

So then there's January & I hate it because it's cold & windy but I can deal.  Fast-forward to February:  I hate it because of Valentine's Day--but not for the reasons you think.  I hate it because my dad died on Valentine's Day & his birthday was the next day.

So on March 1, I'll be a happy camper again. 

Anyway...my house has been child-free since last Wednesday evening.  My cleaning lady came on Thursday (don't judge, I figure that I work full-time & cook all the meals, I have NO PROBLEM paying someone to clean for me).  So my house is clean.  Still.  And Nickelodeon hasn't been on TV once.  And Friday night, we got to go to a friend's house for a while & have a few beers.  Saturday we ran errands & went to a Dirty Santa party Saturday night.  Then we slept & kinda puttered around all day Sunday.  Seriously.  How old is our youngest?  Seven?  So we have 11 more years until that kind of weekend can become "normal."

I envy my childless friends sometimes.

So there's my holiday rant.  I'm certain I'll have more ranting when we get back after this damn weekend.  Oh...I want to show you my Christmas Tree....which completely baffles everyone who has seen it:

Yes.  It's a Christmas Tree-Palm Tree.  And yes, it came with the lights.  But you should see it now.  Imagine red & silver tinsel along with some multi-colored lights & ornaments.  It kicks ass. 



I confess:

I haven't blogged recently (duh).  Because I had other people things to do.

I am 30 minutes late for work nearly every day.  But it's ok.  They know I'm here late every day, too.

When I drink vodka, I go to bed at 8pm.  And I don't remember if I showered or not.

I hate deciding what to fix for dinner.  Just tell me what you want & I'll cook it. 

I adore sex.  I want more of it.

I'd make my own porno but these days, you just never know where it's gonna land.

My blood pressure was 158/97 the other day.  I need to fix that.

I drank vodka last night.  I went to bed at 8pm.  I showered first.  I know this because I asked him.  The one I want more sex with.  The one I would make a porno with.  And the camera is on the nightstand.......

Dirty thoughts.


It could happen to you....Part 2

Here's a Friday funny....it didn't actually happen last night but I will admit that it did happen to me.  No shit.  This was the email I sent to my friends who I knew would appreciate the story, LOL.  Here goes:

I went to bed last night. Got up around 3am to pee. I'm sitting there peeing, finish, and go to stand up when my foot slides forward, out from under me. I immediately fall backwards into the toilet, hitting it so hard that the tank shattered and water begins spewing everywhere.

Pants still around my ankles.
W yells "what the hell?" but never got out of bed....and I am now on the floor, soaked from head to toe and trying to reach the water shut-off valve while I'm being sprayed in the face. And my knee is bleeding.  And it's dark.

I finally reach the shut-off valve & get the water off.  My floor is covered in water, my rugs are soaked. I get towels (everyone is STILL sleeping soundly), throw the rugs into the tub and begin towel-mopping. Dried it as best I could at 3am and changed clothes.

I go back to bed.
This morning, W calls me, laughing, and says "uh, did you have some sort of explosion happen in the toilet last night? What the hell happened?" So I told him, he asked if I was okay and then proceeded to laugh his ass off. Thanks, jackass.
This is what happens when your boys don't wipe the floor after they are done showering. 

But anyway, I'll be buying a new toilet today.

I've attached a pic for your viewing pleasure.  No laughing. 


Second weddings (LOL, I'm not even done with my first marriage yet) are on my mind.  No, I'm not engaged, no, there are no immediate plans for anything like that, although we have discussed it & we both want to marry each other.  And he mentioned that I should be mulling plans over in my head.  How does a couple plan a second wedding?  Is it supposed to be a big deal?  Do you invite every single person you've ever spoken to or do you just show up at the courthouse & say "I do"?  My closest friends know I'll marry him--they're just waiting to see how I'm going to do it because they know it won't be conventional.  But I'm not even sure what conventional means when you talk about re-marriage.

These are the things I do know:  We will get married locally.  I refuse to travel to our homestate for the convenience of others (the majority of our families are there).  I figure if they want to be a part of it, they can drive their happy asses here.  It's only 4 hours.  ONLY.  I can hear the grumbling already.  But oh well, we make that fucking trip at least once a month so I refuse to feel bad about that.

It has to be summer & I think I want to have it outside.  But Oklahoma summers are brutal.  I'm the only one I know who is happy when it's 100 degrees.  But still, an early evening affair with a drunken dance/party afterward in some kind of dance hall or someone's barn would be good.  I want it to be away from the city--we were both raised in the country, and that feels right.

I don't want traditional vows.  We both did that before.  Now that we have experienced how marriages can be or how they can end, there are more important things to me than "love, honor, cherish" and "richer or poorer"....not that I don't agree with those but there are a lot more things I need to add that are much more colorful.

Orange.  There has to be orange involved.  And some yellow.  Maybe some red, too.  Bright.  Festive.  Warm.  Inviting.

Do you send invites to a second wedding or do you just say SHOW UP?  Can you see how informal we are? 

Bridal parties (do you know how hard that is for me to say--it sounds SOOOO girly & so pretentious).  Right now, I can't think of anyone besides myself that needs to stand up there.  I don't need help except for maybe someone to hold the ring until it's time.  Is that okay? 

Clothing:  He mentioned once that shorts & flip-flops work for him (and that really is saying something because he's a total redneck who wears boots & jeans & not much else).  But when we started seeing each other, it was over 100 degrees & I insisted he put on shorts & flip-flops....and I got him addicted.  :)  So if he wears shorts & flip-flops, which is totally fine with me, I'm not sure what to do with that.  Do I wear shorts & flip-flops?  I kinda want to.  But on the other hand, he's never seen me in a dress & that would be cool, too, with flip-flops, of course.  And not a traditional wedding dress.  Just a simple kinda sundress....kinda like this one:  http://www.myshape.com/shop/style/207069?utm_source=CI&utm_medium=feeds&utm_campaign=CI-Shopping&srccode=cii_13736960&cpncode=21-64930767-2

And food:  One of my most-awesome friends said she would do all the food if I didn't make her travel.  That's tempting.  But what kind of food?  Light & airy or a meal?  If it's in the evening, I'm thinking a meal but nothing formal....meat & potatoes kinda thing (it's a midwestern thing, anyway).  But of course, someone will be making me something vegetarian so I can eat, too.

Speaking of food, let's discuss the cake--I want something really awesome on the eyes but it doesn't necessarily have to be a "traditional" cake.  I was thinking if I have a traditional cake, the topper would have to be flip-flops.  Just a thought.

And I don't want people to dress up.  I want them to be comfortable.  I want them to wear jeans or shorts.  If you're in a barn, you do not need to be in your Sunday best & besides, if you're invited, you know how informal we are.  Let's just get the formalities out of the way and start drinking beer. 

Beer:  Probably a couple three kegs.  After that, byob.  Ya think?  And btw, I'll have had several beers BEFORE the nuptials are ever spoken.  Or maybe some Hot Damn for good breath.  LMAO....

So let me hear from you guys.  Thoughts?  Ideas?  Suggestions?  Memories of your own weddings? 


Huh? What? I didn't do it. It wasn't me.

It's all over & done.  The birthday, Halloween, surviving 5 kids over the weekend, trick-or-treating, candy, costumes, blah blah blah.  It's D.O.N.E.  That means I woke up in a pretty good mood for a Monday.  :)  I've learned a few things, however, and feel that I should share:

I was not meant to have five kids.  I am not jealous of anyone who does have five kids.  Kudos to you, but no.  Here was the dynamic for the weekend:  We had two 11yo boys & three 7yo's.  Two boys & a girl.  So we had 4 boys & a girl.  That's just the right combination to make life miserable interesting.  The two older boys were content to hang out & play video games....until the laser in the Xbox (I think that's what it is...maybe it's a Wii?) anyway the laser broke.  And BURNED a perfect circle into the brand new video game that HB got for his b-day.

I suspect the game console was kicked or hit by a 7yo.  Just sayin.  But no one confessed.  Are you as shocked by that as I was?

Do not go grocery shopping with three 7yo's.  Before you leave the store, everyone in there will know all the kids' names & think that their last name is "Getoverherenow!" as a "goddammit!" is muttered under your breath.  The shoppers will think you're a terrible mother who has no control over her children.  Once you leave the store, you're pretty sure there was a collective sigh of relief along with applause.  At this point, you & your bf/gf will *maybe* begin to speak to each other again.  MAYBE.

When I cook a meal, you will eat it or go hungry.  I have neither the time nor the patience for your whining.  I don't give a shit if you're used to having your very own short-order cook.  I am not one of them.  Besides, it's freakin tator-tot casserole.  Shut up & eat it or go to bed hungry.  I bet you'll have an appetite when it's time to eat Halloween candy, huh?

FYI--seven year olds say "shit" & "fuck" when they think you can't hear them.  And they use them in the right context.  I just thought you should know.

One girl can out-whine four boys.  Thank you to whomever it is that gave me boys.  You certainly knew what you were doing.

No I will not take them to (the equivalent of) Chuck E Cheese.  Those places are disgusting & I'm not spending $150ish bucks on five kids so we can leave with a buck's worth of "prizes".  No. 

How come they all go deaf when it's time to clean up a messy room or when they're asked how something got broken?  I hope that medical research will provide an answer soon.

And here's a hypothetical question...has nothing to do with kids...

Say you found a cute plastic ring (it's red & says XOXO in blue) & you put it on cuz you liked it.  And you're laying in bed with your bf/gf joking about it being an engagement ring (cuz we're goofy like that) & then you decide your facebook status should be about your engagement ring (cuz it's funny, dammit!) & then you change your relationship status to "engaged" & people start posting congrats & when's the date questions....and you respond & say the date is 2-30-11....would you believe it?


I'm new. Please explain the rules.

I need to vent.  BIGTIME.  I'm so aggitated that I could probably run a 10k, get done & then STILL throw a temper-tantrum & bitchslap someone. 

This is driving me crazy: W's ex wife called him last night to let him know that his kids would like to come trick-or-treating down here & that they are out of school today & tomorrow so she has no problem meeting us halfway so he can pick them up.

Isn't that sweet of her? THANKS FOR THE FUCKING NOTICE, YOU DUMB BITCH. See, I don't speak to her, I have no reason to speak to her. But this bullshit pisses me off to no end. Meet us halfway? Drive your lazy, broke-ass down here all the way....we ALWAYS drive the entire FOUR FUCKING HOURS to see them. And she's giddy to get rid of them because that means she can go hang out with her loser friends, or the two losers she has been seeing, etc. She has no job so WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WHY IS SHE NOT DRIVING THEM THE ENTIRE WAY? Last time, guess what her excuse was? She didn't have enough money for gas. Um, right.  You can't drive 4 hours south but you can drive from central KS to Colorado that SAME WEEKEND?  I HATE HER. And she has this notion that because I work in corporate America that money is just flowing, we can drop whatever we're doing & be there...well none of that is the case. But more importantly, WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL US LAST WEEKEND THAT THE KIDS WERE GOING TO BE OUT OF SCHOOL THIS WEEKEND? We have jobs. I have 2 other kids to look after. I have a 3rd kid spending the weekend (HB's bff). I need groceries. I am not prepared AT ALL to have 5 kids all weekend. And I'm livid that W called his boss last night & is probably going to take tomorrow off work so he can go get them tonight (we'll meet halfway....FUCK THAT). Great. So he'll get off work tonight, leave to pick them up & then show back up, at the earliest....around 9pm. Just about the time the boys are falling asleep (they go to bed at 8 but they can watch TV for a bit). So then my house will be turned upsidedown trying to get them settled, get everyone back to bed, etc....I bet it'll be midnight before everyone is in bed and/or asleep. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR because guess who gets to put up with two cranky kids first thing in the morning?

**DISCLAIMER**please note that I have no issue with the kids or the kids being here or whatever. This isn't about them. This is about her. And I told W that if this type of control-bullshit continues that I WILL speak to her.  You don't know how difficult it is for me to not say something.  I try really hard to stay out of their business with their kids.  But when it starts effecting my life, I think I have a right to say something.  I guess I'm biding my time....who knows.

I'm done now.  Could someone please tell me the rules when it comes to kids & exes?  Clearly I'm new to this game.

And I hope I don't sound selfish.  I just hate last-minute shit like this.  It's not a small feat to plan for 5 kids, a 2 hour-drive (one way), work schedules, kid schedules, and everything else that goes into a weekend.  Throw Halloween on top of it & just kill me now.