I'm new. Please explain the rules.

I need to vent.  BIGTIME.  I'm so aggitated that I could probably run a 10k, get done & then STILL throw a temper-tantrum & bitchslap someone. 

This is driving me crazy: W's ex wife called him last night to let him know that his kids would like to come trick-or-treating down here & that they are out of school today & tomorrow so she has no problem meeting us halfway so he can pick them up.

Isn't that sweet of her? THANKS FOR THE FUCKING NOTICE, YOU DUMB BITCH. See, I don't speak to her, I have no reason to speak to her. But this bullshit pisses me off to no end. Meet us halfway? Drive your lazy, broke-ass down here all the way....we ALWAYS drive the entire FOUR FUCKING HOURS to see them. And she's giddy to get rid of them because that means she can go hang out with her loser friends, or the two losers she has been seeing, etc. She has no job so WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WHY IS SHE NOT DRIVING THEM THE ENTIRE WAY? Last time, guess what her excuse was? She didn't have enough money for gas. Um, right.  You can't drive 4 hours south but you can drive from central KS to Colorado that SAME WEEKEND?  I HATE HER. And she has this notion that because I work in corporate America that money is just flowing, we can drop whatever we're doing & be there...well none of that is the case. But more importantly, WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL US LAST WEEKEND THAT THE KIDS WERE GOING TO BE OUT OF SCHOOL THIS WEEKEND? We have jobs. I have 2 other kids to look after. I have a 3rd kid spending the weekend (HB's bff). I need groceries. I am not prepared AT ALL to have 5 kids all weekend. And I'm livid that W called his boss last night & is probably going to take tomorrow off work so he can go get them tonight (we'll meet halfway....FUCK THAT). Great. So he'll get off work tonight, leave to pick them up & then show back up, at the earliest....around 9pm. Just about the time the boys are falling asleep (they go to bed at 8 but they can watch TV for a bit). So then my house will be turned upsidedown trying to get them settled, get everyone back to bed, etc....I bet it'll be midnight before everyone is in bed and/or asleep. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR because guess who gets to put up with two cranky kids first thing in the morning?

**DISCLAIMER**please note that I have no issue with the kids or the kids being here or whatever. This isn't about them. This is about her. And I told W that if this type of control-bullshit continues that I WILL speak to her.  You don't know how difficult it is for me to not say something.  I try really hard to stay out of their business with their kids.  But when it starts effecting my life, I think I have a right to say something.  I guess I'm biding my time....who knows.

I'm done now.  Could someone please tell me the rules when it comes to kids & exes?  Clearly I'm new to this game.

And I hope I don't sound selfish.  I just hate last-minute shit like this.  It's not a small feat to plan for 5 kids, a 2 hour-drive (one way), work schedules, kid schedules, and everything else that goes into a weekend.  Throw Halloween on top of it & just kill me now.


Just a story.

Sorry for the absence lately.  First, a big shout-out to my Hippie Boy who turned 11 yesterday.  :)  He is awesome.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Now for my story.  Some interesting coincidences have occurred in the past year or 2 among myself & four close friends.  Almost simultaneously, 2 of us had our marriages end, 1 was in the process of getting ready to end hers & the other one was in the midst of "do I stay or do I go."  Well obviously I'm one whose marriage ended.  While everything was going down, my friend C and I talked often (hers was the other marriage that was ending), providing moral support, asking how you handle the next step, what to expect...etc.  And after several months of her marriage being done, C met up with a guy she dated in high school (J), purely accidental.  She began to glow, you could see her happiness return, I was ecstatic for her.  I listened to her explain that he was the first guy she ever was "in love" with.  Her very first love.  And they're a couple now.  A very happy couple, very much in love.

About a month or so after C found J, I was driving home from a car show in KS and I get a text from Facebook saying that W wants to be my friend on FB.  My heart jumped.  W was the first guy I ever fell "in love" with.  My very first love.  We both grew up in the same small town, went to school together (well, until he got kicked out--he was a bad-boy).  We dated for about a minute--which consisted of him visiting me every day during the summer while I was babysitting, a couple of trysts on his mom's living room floor & watching my mom chase him off after she caught us in my room.  Well my parents were pretty strict & his mom was not.  He was mostly free to do what he wanted while I towed the line being a good-girl.  Plus, I'm anti-social so back then I preferred to come home from school & hang out on the back porch or the neighbor's porch (we lived out in the country) instead of doing all the stuff that high-school kids do.  Plus, it was easier to do that than argue with my mom.  There was never going to be a chance for W & I to have a relationship beyond what we had....he was a whore & I refused to compete.  My mom didn't like him because he was a bad-boy, so I knew it wasn't going to happen.  But I never lost the way he made me feel.  He ALWAYS took my breath away, made me nervous, goofy, all the things a high school girl does over her first love.  My parents both knew how I felt about him & both knew I was devastated whenever I would hear about his next girlfriend, his bad-boy reputation, etc.  He moved on & so did I.  At 18, I left for the Navy.  I didn't know what happened to him....we just went on with our lives.

Now, I'm not going to lie.  After the internet came around, there were random times throughout the years that I would google his name (and honestly, I think everyone has done that with people from their past at some point or another).  I didn't really want anything, just wanted to see if I could figure out what became of him.  I never got any hits.  Not one.  No big deal.  I was happily married, having babies, etc.

About 5 years ago, we went home to KS for a vacation.  It was August.  The county fair was in town.  I was standing in line at the ferris wheel with my boys.  A guy in front of me bumped into me & he turned around to apologize.  It was W.  With his wife.  And his son.  We of course recognized each other immediately.  He introduced me to his family, I introduced him to mine.  Truth be told, had I known he was in that line, I wouldn't have been in it.  We made small-talk, then got on the ride.  I was never so happy to get off a ferris wheel.  I didn't see him again.

One evening out of the blue, my mom calls me.  "Guess who I just saw?"  Who?  "GUESS!" she says.  Um, Mom, I haven't lived there in 13 or 14 years....I have no idea who you saw (and why do I give a shit, I thought).  She says "W**** B**********!!!"  (She ALWAYS said his first & last name, never called him just by his first name.)  She was so excited to call & tell me she saw him & that he came over to say hello to her, asked about me, etc....I smiled at the memories, was glad to know he was doing well.

Fast forward to a few months ago when I get the FB friend request from him.  (Sidenote--at this point, I'd been separated for 9 or 10 months....just thought you should know that this story has nothing to do with the breakup of my marriage.)  I'm driving down the road as I receive it.  My eyes probably nearly fell out of my head.  I had to think about this one.  I put my phone down & drifted back in time.  I waivered my current situation against one with him back in my life (granted, I had no idea of his circumstances, but I knew I'd be magnetized to him regardless).  I knew if I accepted, things in my world could change or I could be disappointed or we could be friends....hell, we both know the same people.  It was a crapshoot.  What do I do?  So I let the request sit there.  I did everything to avoid my laptop that evening.  Finally, after every last chore I could possibly think of was done, I got on my computer.  I accepted his request....it was one of those "do it now or don't ever do it" moments (and trust me, I'm not one to skip over possible life-changing moments...it's an adrenaline thing, I think).  And as I do with anyone who friend-requests me, I went to his page & said something to the effect of Hi, how are you, hope you're well.  Then I went & changed my status.  It was a goofy, off-the-wall status that I posted, no truth to it, whatsoever.  It was about drinking beer with a homeless man in my living room & I'm starting to be concerned....next thing I know, W changes his status to "What in the hell, M?  Are you ok?"  So I comment & ask if that was directed to me.  It was.  We commented back & forth a bit.  Then he sent me a msg asking for my number, said he was doing FB on his phone & it was a pain in the ass.  I hesitated.  Why would he want my number?  He's married with kids (as I knew from seeing him in KS that one time).  We msg'd back & forth a bit more, I finally gave him my number.  He called almost immediately. 

....to be continued, work beckons.  :)


FrIdAy FlIp OfFs

I have no clue how to get the flip-off button over here so even though it's not displayed, click the blogs on the right & I believe most of those hookers are Friday Flip-offers, too.  :)

1.  FUCK YOU to all the fuckers who want money.  My money.  I'm sick to death of you & I want you to go play on the highway.

2.  FUCK YOU to my co-worker ("your sister").  I loathe your shoes.  It would be one thing if knew how to walk in them, but you don't.  SO QUIT STOMPING UP & DOWN THE HALL, you dumb bitch.  I hate your shoes almost more than I hate you.  And the fact that you have to stomp down the hallway every 15 min to go smoke just grates on my last fucking nerve.  Oh...and I heard the company is giving you a cell phone.  Because you're never at your desk & people can't reach you.  That's because you're out SMOKING.  And you know what?  I smoke.  But not at work.  So FUCK YOU to management as well for allowing it to happen.  Bunch of corporate fucks.  Oh...and also, dear sister, your clothes are ridiculous.  You do not look hot.  You look cheap.  And fringe left fashion sometime in the 80s.  Did you not get that memo?  I hate you.  Fuck you.

3.  FUCK YOU to the parent who closed the school store before my boy got a chance to spend his dollar.  Because of that fucking school store, which is totally UNNECESSARY, he had a meltdown & got sent to the office.  Thanks a lot you pricks.  There's a reason I don't participate....because it's just ONE MORE THING that is not necessary & distracts from what the kids are supposed to be doing.  If it weren't for the FUCKING SCHOOL STORE, his day would have gone just fine.  You bitch.

4.  FUCK YOU Friday morning.  Today was the sleep-in kind of day but NO.  You had to fucking ruin it by forcing the alarm clocks to go off.  And since the other half of this work team took today off, I had no choice but to show the fuck up.  Well FUCK THAT.  But I'm not surprised....I mean, seriously.  No kids, rainy day, bf is off work, and yet I GOT OUT OF BED & CAME TO WORK.  Bastard.

5.  FUCK YOU to the IT dept.  There are WAY TOO MANY of you, you're all lazy & overpaid & don't even get me started on attendance.  Just because you're IT doesn't mean "work from home" all the goddamn time.  If I pulled the bullshit with my boss that you all get away with, I'd have been gone a long time ago.  And you fuckers want to hire more people?  Yeah.  WTFE.

6.  FUCK YOU to everything else that has pissed me off this week. 

I think I have anger issues.  The urge to bitchslap a motherfucker won't go away.

Happy Friday!


My email.....

Ok, here it is (Copyboy).
The gist:  I have a corporate credit card; we had spent 2 weeks traveling & shit wasn't getting paid.....so I proceeded to lose it.  

My hateful email (to my 3 bosses, Accounting's 2 bosses & everyone else in my dept):
It is Saturday afternoon and I just received a call from Amex telling me that my account is now 69 days past due and after day 70 (tomorrow) it will be reflected on my credit report.  The balance due is $2292.22 and the past due amount is $2187.80 but because they only receive PARTIAL PAYMENTS the past due days keep accruing.

Am I wrong in thinking that an approved expense report should be paid in full with no questions asked?  What is the problem?  And what is the point in having a company card if I will be punished and questioned every time I use it?  I find this incredibly irresponsible and unacceptable.

Thanks for the negative mark on my credit report.  Next time I get a question about it, I'll be sure to have them call Accounting so they can explain how they screwed up and that it was completely out of my control yet I'm the one it reflects on.

I hope this clears up ANY QUESTION that yes, the corporate card IS REFLECTED ON OUR PERSONAL CREDIT. 

My previous msg:

I don’t really know what the disconnect is here, why it wasn’t paid on time—as that is not my job.  30 day net seems simple to understand to me. 

I know the documentation was provided to you, B (it really doesn't stand for Bitch), as I gave it to X BEFORE I ever went on that trip.  But, for your file, here is ANOTHER COPY of the TRAVELOCITY PACKAGE!!

I’ve contacted Travelocity for another receipt for the TRAVELOCITY PACKAGE (!!) because what I’m attaching doesn’t appear to have the “details” so desperately needed in order to pay the bill. 

Since that card is in MY NAME, I don’t appreciate that constant late payments could potentially reflect on my credit report.  Again, 30 days seems simple enough to me.

Just Me.

(Just so you know, anything that is all caps came from the morons in Accounting, I was just mocking them because they suck ass & I wanted to make sure my point was reached.)


Yesterday was the last day of school until Monday.  It's fall break.  What does that mean?  It means if I don't make some sort of plan for these crazy boys that one of them will be hanging around the house doing nothing but playing video games for 2 days while the other one is in daycare terrorizing the teachers.  This scenario never sits well with me...and I would take off work but right now is not a good time (isn't that how it always works?  FML).

So what's a girl to do?  She makes plans with the grandparents.  And that's no easy feat.  My boys have 3 grandparents.  My mom & both of my ex's parents.  Out of the 3, none of them is really involved in their lives....but you go and get a divorce & suddenly people take notice (well, my mom isn't speaking to me but whatever--that's a whole other post for a long rainy day).  Anyway, long story short, I drove them halfway to their g'parents last night.  I AM KID-FREE FOR FOUR WHOLE DAYS.  FOUR DAYS!!!!! 

So prior to the drop-off, for several days, I'm thinking about all the sex I'm going to be having.  I'm thinking about all the TV I'm going to watch (I never watch TV when the boys are home, I don't have time or patience).  I'm thinking that I might just walk naked through my living room to go get a beer in the fridge.  WHY NOT....FREEDOM, right?  And when bf & I shower (yes, we shower together every day) we can do it with the bathroom door open.  Why does that matter?  Steamy mirrors irritate me.  Just sayin. 

So basically, lots of sex, lots of naked, lots of beer, lots of TV.  Oh...and of course the laptops are ALWAYS on when we're home.

I dropped them off.  Bf & I drive back to town, talking about how shitty everyone but me drives.  Talking about how he needs a steak, let's eat out.  So we do.  We text my girl, RN Queen, to come meet us because the place we ate last night is where she & I always meet up for drinks, gossip & general cattiness.  It was fun.  Drinks & his steak.  Catching up with my girl.  You know...doing what people do when they don't have kids.

We get home.  Time to shower.  NO KIDS!!!  (big fat grin) His phone rings...I head to the shower.  I get out, he's still on the phone.  He gets off the phone & wants to know why I didn't wait for him....um, I didn't feel a need to listen to your social hour, I'm ready to get it on so hurry up!  He showers.  We get in bed, both with our laptops (normal routine), TV on, etc.....finish our computer time (I'm gonna get laid!!!!!) and I get up to let the dogs out.  Come back in the bedroom & he's asleep.  Snoring.  WTF?  How did this happen?

So I crawled into bed, snuggled up next to him & proceeded to do what people do who don't have kids.  Sleep.

****don't worry, Copyboy, I'll post the email sometime today, PROMISE!


Naughty List Wednesday

I'm late...shocker.  Here's my list--Happy Hump Day Everyone

1. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

I was 14.  He was 19.  It was so horrible that it's funny.  LOL...we'd been flirting with each other for a couple of months, since school had gotten out.  Well no one was ever home at his house so I went over & hung out.  Then it progressed by the day until I finally said yes...here's the gist:  He lived in a trailer park.  I don't think he had parents.  His room had bunk beds in it.  As he laid on top of me, he pulled out a condom.  It was RED.  It was DRY.  He goes in.....then his best friend WALKS IN.  Then he was done.  And then he never talked to me again.  I LOL every time I think about it.

2. Worst break up ever?  My divorce.  Duh.
3. Ever been on a blind date? Explain.  NEVER

4. Ever sent a sexy text message and had it gone to the wrong person?  Even if I did, all my friends would respond back with something equally inappropriate, HAHA

5. An excuse you have used to get out of sex.  PEOPLE DO THIS????


It could happen to you

Last winter I came to work on a Monday & brought my red zip-up hoodie from home (I took it home for the weekend to wash it).  Our bldg gets cold & I'm always cold anyway so I always wear a hoodie of some sort.  I hung the red one on my coat rack.  I was already wearing a different one.

Fast forward 2 or 3 days.  My work bff (wbff) came in my office.  She was cold.  She is almost NEVER cold...she wanted something warm to put on so I told her to put on my red hoodie. 

A few things you should know before I continue:  My wbff is old enough to be my mother (and yes, we joke about that).  We refer to a lot of people by alternate names that only we know.  We refer to the dept secretary as "your mother" when talking to each other.  We refer to our most hated co-worker as "your sister".  My wbff & I find a lot of things hysterical that no one else understands.  We are together all the time (in our defense, we work on a lot of the same projects).  Our boss calls us Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb or Before & After.  Last Halloween, we dressed alike and wore nametags.  She was Original.  I was Copy.  This is how we roll.  HOWEVER...like I said, old enough to be my mother.  So naturally, we do things a bit differently.  She's been married for forever, is putting a kid through college, blah blah blah.  I'm divorcing, seeing someone, have little kids, blah blah blah.  She has her routines, I have my routines.  She knows EVERYONE while I am anti-social (but I do have to say I love all the people (except "your sister") that I work with).

One other thing to keep in mind--our offices are directly across from a laboratory (research & development).  So there are A LOT of windows.  I can look over there at any given time & see some incredibly smart Labbie (my term, not theirs, haha) working with some chemicals....and I generally make faces at them or wave to them or whatever.  I joke about licking the glass (that's probably a lot funnier to me than you).

On with my story.

I tell wbff to put on my red hoodie.  She takes it off the coat rack.  Steps into the hallway & then goes to swing the hoodie around to put it on (remember the lab?  She's in front of the lab).  About that time, out of the corner of my eye, I see something fall from the red hoodie to the ground & she's beginning to walk away...doesn't see it fall.  I look down.  Well what do you know!  My sequined, g-string undies are now on proud display to every single Labbie that saw them fall.  I immediately jump up & made it to where they were in probably less than 3 steps.  About this time, wbff hears me come out of my office because taking less than 3 steps to get there was sort of loud.  She turns around just as I go to snatch them up.  Her eyes get huge.  I grab the undies.  She then yells "What was THAT?  WAS THAT YOUR UNDERWEAR??????"  I shove them in my pocket.  I say "shhhhhh!!!  The whole building doesn't need to know!"  And she's in so much shock that she then yells "That wasn't underwear!  That was an EYEPATCH!" (remember, old enough to be my mother).

I can no longer help it.  I burst into hysterical laughter.  The Labbies kinda stood there, not sure what to do.  Wbff is laughing hysterically.  She immediately turns to go up front & tell everyone in my department that my "Eyepatch for underwear" fell on the ground....my boss & "your mother" thought it was incredibly funny & "your mother" wanted to know why I would even own that kind of underwear....um, hello....single, maybe dating...I'm not wearing granny panties, that's for sure.

Today's lesson:  If you're going to dry your undies with your hoodies, make sure you use dryer sheets. 

**today's weird moment:  I just sent a "Text-a-Tip" to Crimestoppers.  Stand by for details.


Earthquake in Oklahoma

So yesterday was interesting all the way around....here are a few highlights, I can't stay here long so it's gonna be quick & I'll try & get here tonight.


My friend's husband saw a ghost while working in a warehouse yesterday morning.

While sitting in my office, I felt movement under my feet, my monitors started wiggling, and I realize we're having an earthquake.  It lasted about a minute-ish.  The USGS posted it immediately as 4.3 (not too shabby for Oklahoma)....then later in the day, they re-rated it as a 5.1.  That's the second strongest quake ever recorded in Oklahoma...the strongest was in the 1950s.  The damage we received was quite severe. 

I watched with the world as 33 men came out of the Earth...and I got tears in my eyes every single time I got to see one of them being reunited with their loved ones (married or affair, whatever....).  I'm sappy like that.

I made dinner & TD had 3 helpings.  He NEVER has 3 helpings because he's wayyyyyyyy tooooooo busyyyyyyyyy to sit still that long.  But while I was playing Go-fish with his brother (drinking a beer, of course) he asked for a 3rd helping.  WELL OF COURSE!!

Thought you guys would like to see some of the devastation from the earthquake yesterday.

Apparently this was taken just over the epicenter…

If you can donate for the rebuilding, please send them to my paypal account.  Everyone appreciates your thoughts during this difficult time.

Have a great afternoon.  :)


Is it some sort of conspiracy?

So lately, I've been noticing that the Mormons are advertising ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE....they're on my radio ALL THE FUCKING TIME to the point that I change the station because their commercial is longer than the average commercial (or maybe I'm just thinking it's longer because it's so damn irritating).

It makes me wonder what they're planning...now, for the record, I'm not against the Mormons (hell, I'm not against any religion because I really don't give a shit what god, goddess, witch, deity or idol you prefer).  But really, Mormons?  What's up?  Why are you all over my radio & my TV?  Do you want me to become a Mormon?  Do you want me to give my firstborn to you?  Are you planning some kind of takeover against all the non-Mormons of the world?  Please explain it to me so that I don't begin harboring a secret fear of you and begin stashing canned goods in my bomb shelter for fear that you are coming to take me away....

And why do you want me to know that along with being a Mormon you're also a wife or a diver or a tuba player?  I know, I know, I skipped some of the other things you are that are mentioned in the commercials, it wasn't done on purpose, I promise.  Please don't hate me.  I think it's fantastic that you Mormons have more than one role in life.  But why do you want me to know about it?  This is what makes me paranoid of you.  It's like you're trying to convice me that under that big Mormon premise, you want me to be sure & understand that you can play the tuba (which, in my opinion, is code for "one who wants to take me away").  If that's not the case & you really do play the tuba, YAYAYAY for you!  I really mean that!  Fan fucking tastic for you!!!  BRAVO, Mr. Tuba Player/Mormon!

And how come you're the only ones on my TV and my radio?  How come I don't hear about the Rastafaris & their "parallel life as a tuba player" or the Buddhists & their "parallel life as librarian"?  Please, please, please just tell me what you're planning, or what the purpose is of these very loooooooooonnnnngggggg and FREQUENT commericals is.....it's starting to keep me up at night.  Nobody spends that kind of money on all that advertising (and in a recession that has ended that really hasn't ended) without some sort of secret plan.  If you could just let me know, give me peace of mind, I will feel so much better & be so much more productive while awake...as it is right now, I jump at the slightest noise and I scream when my bf tries to touch me because I wonder if he's already been "taken" in that secret plot....one can never be too careful--and frankly, it's pissing him off because he's starting to lose his hearing from all of my screaming.

So Mormons, from now on, please know that I love you all, I also love your "parallel lives", too....from all the Bra Fitters clear down to the Molecular Biologists (and that is not in any sort of order, I promise!).  I have nothing but respect for each & every one of you & I think you're swell.  I really mean that.  But please don't take me away just yet (if that's the plan but I hope it's not) because I'm too busy working and paying taxes and getting a divorce and suing an oil company (technically that's work but I do think about it at home, I hope that doesn't bother you) and a myriad of other things....basically, if you take me away, you'll have one less sarcastic person in society & I think you all might get bored if you stash us away in your secret hideouts.

Thank you for giving me the time to respond to your commercials.  I'll try really hard not to change the radio station the next time I hear one.  OMG!  That's the plot, ISN'T IT???  You're COUNTING how many times I change the station in order to know WHO YOU ARE TAKING......OMG.....deep breaths......deep breaths......Ok.  I have to go now.  I think I'm going shopping for some canned goods at lunchtime. 


I collect nothing

I've never been a collector of anything, maybe with the exception of books & even then I don't keep them, I just give them away.  I never collected anything because I never wanted to be bothered with moving it around, dusting it or keeping it up or whatever else people do when they collect something.

But today I'm sitting here in my office & have realized that I apparently collect signs & quirky things people have written....and not by choice, either (well, I guess maybe kinda by choice).  But I guess it started a couple of years ago & my collection has taken on a life of its own (this is the part that is not in my control--people literally go out of their way to bring me the signs they find).  And the problem is that they're kind of morbid/dark humored & some people don't find them as amusing as I do.  But what the hell do they know?  Lighten up, asshole (some corporate people are such shitheads & I wonder how I ever got picked to be here, LMAO, because I certainly don't follow the rules). 

So the ones I'm looking at are all hanging in my office or they're propped up in my office.  They are all either from co-workers or ones I found while at work. Of course I have your everyday STOP sign (no it isn't stolen).  Then I have a huge red, metal sign that says "NO SMOKING or carrying of lighted material BEYOND THIS POINT" (you got that, buddy?  Put out that cigarette before you stand in that puddle of gasoline).  Then I have a huge one that says "WARNING NO TRESPASSING contaminated area under environmental remediation" (so basically, if you lick the dirt, you'll die.  But you probably deserve it for being such a dumbfuck who would lick the dirt in the first place).  And it tells you who to call for info...The next one says "CAUTION! Any area within this this mill may contain radioactive material" (Um, it *may* contain radioactive material?  WTF?  Well ok.  Guess I'll take my chances but since there's A SIGN, I'm guessing there *is* radioactive material).  Then there's the "NOTICE--WASH STATION" sign that appeared as if from nowhere....not sure if it was supposed to be an insult but I'll take it anyway.  And let's not forget "UV RADIATION WEAR GLASSES" (does that mean I should be wearing glasses whenever I'm in the sun, too?  Is it referring to UVA or UVB & which one is better for you cuz I'm guessing that's NOT the one the sign is referring to).  Then I have my beloved "WARNING CONTAMINATED WITH MERCURY DO NOT EAT THE FISH (CATCH & RELEASE)"  Well, uh, if there's that much mercury in the water, I don't think we'll be fishing there at all.  I mean really.  Here boys, here's your fishing poles....don't touch the water, though.  You *might* die.  No biggie.  And the "CAUTION, CONFINED SPACE, ENTER BY PERMIT ONLY".  Who, exactly, issues said permit?  Is there a "Confined Space Issuing Office"?  What happens if I sneak in there without a permit?  I won't bore you with more (there are lots more) but I will bore you with some pics of my signs (and some that aren't mine)....and these are just the ones at work.  I have more at home.

Yeah, I know...it's not a sign, it's a picture of a sign but it's still funny (and hangs just outside my office)

Do not lick the floor tile, either.

Don't lick the pipes.  GEEZ!!!  We can't do ANYTHING fun around here....

I just thought this was funny.
Read the very bottom line (I wish the owner would mail this to me)

Just thought it was funny.  Emily is very very mad.

I literally laughed out loud.

Another sign that I covet.

I don't even know what to say.


Mom. I think I might hate her.

So I just called her to let her know me & the boys would be in town next weekend.  She's "working".  Can't see us.

I'm fine with that bullshit but for my boys?  NO.  But nothing I do will change her.  I think I might hate her.

Sunday.....I did nothing.

Literally.  I did nothing but lay on my *bed*, watch TV & snuggle & wrestle & listen to kids run in & out of my front room.  Then around 5, I got up, threw a casserole in the oven.  Fed the boys, everyone showered and now here I am again.

And I cut myself shaving.  Goddamn it.  Twice.  MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRR but they're fairly minimal so I should survive (except my blood is thin from booze).

I wish it weren't the end of the weekend.  Let me just say that I revel in being home all weekend, running a couple errands or whatever....but basically being at home.  Cuz I'm gone all week, I suppose that's why I want to be at home.  And I don't have to worry about anything, cuz I'm at home.  And why does this matter?  Cuz I don't think I'll be at home next weekend.....there is farming in KS that has to get done which means we'll leave out of here on Friday & won't get home till Sunday & I won't get to sleep in my fucking awesome bed & I won't see W hardly at all cuz he'll be in the field & then be dead-tired.  So yippee.  I'll have kid duty.  I suck at kid duty.  Truly I do.

And since we'll be in KS, which means I'll be in my hometown, there's the chance of running into my mom or sister (it's KANSAS for godsakes.....shit like that happens) both of whom I don't speak to because they can't mind their own business (another long story, I get pissed/irritated/irate when I talk about it...but I will, eventually)  So when W & I discussed it, he told me that I will do the right thing & tell them beforehand that I'll be in town should they want to spend time with the boys.....and I told him when they say no thanks, I'll be a crying mess again & he can pick up my pieces.  He said he would.  So I suppose I'll be emailing and calling my mom sometime in the very near future.  I'll keep you posted.


Well fuck me, goddammit I forgot the pic...so here:

These days are numbered....

It's one of the last few warm evenings...I have 3 10 & 11yo boys hanging around and I just turned them loose on the 'hood until 9.  TD went to spend the night down the street with his friend.  If that hadn't worked out then I would be here with 5 boys.  And W.  I love him.  Hard.  That's a whole other story.  I'll get around to telling it at some point. 


I turned the boys loose & we're out on the back porch on our laptops.  It's my MOST FAVORITE thing to do.  Sit on the back porch, drink beer, listen to the radio, hang with W, play on our laptops until the wee hours of the morning.  We're total rednecks & we both have the worst language.....good thing everyone else still has their A/C running, otherwise, complaints of vulgarity could happen.  We sit out here all the time as long as the temp is above 60.  If it falls below that....I'm fucking OUT.  I hate winter, I hate being cold.  FUCK WINTER.  FUCK BEING COLD. 

I passed out fell asleep with a beer in my hand last night.....oops.  Of course it got spilled all over my bed that I adore....patting my back for buying the waterproof mattress pad....regardless....when I woke up, I was soaked in beer & W was none too impressed.  I took the sheets & mattress pad off, covered the mattress with a different sheet, proceeded to change into a t-shirt (yes....only a t-shirt) and went back to sleep.  He got up & went to work at some point around 7am (and really, do not fuck with me before noon on a Sat or Sun) and I remained in my t-shirt, covered with a blanket.  And of course he came home early.....woke me up just for the sake of waking me.  But it turned out well.  We hung out in our room watching Grey's until about 1pm....but we didn't just watch Grey's.....I got mine.

You have to see my extremely girly bed.....because I am so NOT girly.  I don't wear makeup (if there's some sort of "event", I might wear mascara & eyeliner), I don't give a fuck about clothes (but I do own a kick-ass pair of hooker shoes), I'm not all touchy-feely, I don't want to discuss my kids (I live with them, that's fucking plenty).  But this bed that I adore.....W laughs at me because I love it so much.  He was not impressed when he saw the amount of pink I adorned it with....so, even though I want to paint all 4 walls of my room a different shade of pink to reflect my awesome bed, I won't.  Cuz he said he would sleep on the couch if I did it.  I can live without the pink.  I never again want to live without W.  :)


What up, Hookers?

So it's Friday night.  I tried, while at work, to figure out how to add CB's Blog Stock Friday woman but I failed.....so if anyone feel like enlightening me, I promise to make it up to you (did I mention my tongue touches my nose?).

But I linked my blog up with her.  And she's fucking awesome!

I'm about 8 beers deep....so if I make errors, too goddamn bad.  Just skip over it.  I made some observations today & here they are:

One of you is in KS.
One of you is in Tulsa.
One of you is a Legal Assistant (but not in KS or OK)
Several of you are Navy wives

So here's the deal, LMAO, I know I did the right thing when I showed up over here cuz here are our similarities:

I was born & raised in KS.
I now live in OK.
I am a paralegal (that's my title....Legal Assistant is the same, I think).
And <cough cough> I was a Navy wife for 13 years (and was in the Navy for 4 years before that). 

I'm really late today.  I didn't want to be late but I fucked up a couple posts (trying to post the Blog Stalk) so I deleted them & then just decided this shit could wait until I got on my laptop. 

And btw, I got a phone call around 9am from the school.  They, yet again, determined I had not given him his meds.  YOU ARE RIGHT!!!  I DIDN'T!  Sorry 'bout that....go ahead, get into the meds I left at the school.  I am MOTY (that's Mother of the Year in case you don't know)...if you try to steal my trophy I will kick your ass.  My mantle is where that fucking trophy belongs.

Ok...I think I'm off to fuck with people on FB.  I might return over here....and if I get laid, I'll definitely let you know.



It's smoky in here.

:)  :)  :)

Thank you all for following.  :)  And so you know, I read you guys every day.  It makes me feel more normal.  For a time or two, I've felt like I'm the one standing out....the one who either can't get along with "society" or the mom who doesn't have her shit together.  Well I have my shit together.  Just not in the order/fashion/way all those others have their shit together.  And I have no desire to try and be more like some of the moms I know....schedule this, schedule that, do this, do that....WELL I DON'T DO THAT!  You're lucky if I show up being only 5 min late vs. an hour.  I can't help it & I'm done trying.  It drives him crazy...he's all about getting somewhere on time....WTF?  I'll show when I show.  I know it's rude & all but it's just never worked out for me to be on time.  I've tried.  But I'm done with that.

It really is smoky in here.  Our bedroom.  It's like this:  We get home from work, do the homework-snack-toy-go-to-the-neighbor's fight with the boys....one of us cooks, the other keeps their eye on the boys while telling the cook about their day....dinner commences.  My 3 favorite people eat (I don't).  I clean up, ship the boys to the shower and try to get some adult convo time with W.  In between all that, you girls all know how it is.....blah blah blah.  So by the time the boys are in bed, we're also ready to go chill.  Which, if it were super-warm, we'd be out on the back porch but it's fall now & I hate to be cold so we go to our room & each get on our laptops....and smoke.  And drink beer.  So yep, it's smoky in here.  BUT I HAVE PINK SHEETS & I HEART THIS BED!

Here's the majority of what I wanted to share....a funny for today & something to just remind us that we all used to be like this.  :) 

Last night was a pretty relaxing night at my house. Everyone was in a good mood, etc.

After everyone had showered, had dinner, etc., my 10yo went to his room to watch TV, TD was at the dinner table eating a snack. W was in the living room changing the channel for TD (my living/dining room are basically one big room).

I walk down the hall, come into the living room and W is right there, changing the channel. He says something to me or TD, I forget, and anyway, I put my arms around W and kiss him...not in a sexy, lets-do-it kinda kiss but just a goofy kiss, a snuggly kinda moment. Well just as we stop kissing, TD yells "HEY!! YOU GUYS ARE HAVING SEX!!!!!!!"

WTF? Did he just say that out loud? W & I look at each other & just burst out laughing (cuz really, what else is there to do?). So we laughed & TD laughed, he said it again.....and then I explained to him that we were kissing, not having sex (in my head I'm picturing him at school saying "my mom was having sex with W in the living room while I ate my snack & watched TV and I saw them.")

Just kill me now.

I totally forgot to post my questions...the Linky thing

I apologize to all the girls who posted their questions & answers yesterday and I didn't.  So hopefully, I can make it up...here you go:


1. When do you feel like a naughty mommy?

I feel like a naughty mommy when I yell at the top of my lungs across the neighborhood for the boys to get their asses home.  And the old guy across the street just stares at me.

I feel naughty when I smoke in the house.  Yeah, it happens.  But whatever.

I feel naughty when I lay in bed (I love love love love my bed!!!) and everyone else is up.  I JUST WANT TO LAY HERE!!!!  LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

2. A Celebrity that makes you think naughty things!

Is this like a TV celeb or movie celeb?  IDK.  I rarely watch either.  But I do like to stare at Matthew McConaughey (I had to google how to spell his last name).  Anyway, he could eat crackers in my bed.

3. Post a picture that is rated PG or PG13 but that always makes you think naughty!

Here's my pic...my friend, B, told me it was National Cleavage Day so I did my best to participate:

4. Tell me about your first kiss!

I kissed a boy named Jason in 2nd grade.  Peck on the cheek kinda deal.  But the heavy kissing, hmmmm, probably a boy named Chad.  We rode the bus together.  And when I say that, I mean that we were the kids who lived out in the country so we spent A LOT of time on the bus.  My house was the last fucking stop some years.  When I was five, I told my bus driver a dirty joke.  Good thing he was hard-of-hearing.  But I digress....

5. Do you "prune your lady garden"? For naughty reasons or other reasons?

Yep, I prune.  Mostly for naughty reasons....he likes it that way.  And I like it that way.  Enough said. 

And here's one more pic for your viewing pleasure, this is a painting that is in my living room....my awesome friend, Miss N, painted it.  The story is hysterical.  She was going for "lighthouse in a windstorm".  When she stepped back, she didn't like the way the lighthouse looked so she started tweaking it....and this was the final product....which conjures up soooooooo many thoughts & phrases, heehee.  A friend of mine came over & saw it for the first time and said "only you.  And it works.  And it would ONLY work for you."  I call it my "conversation piece."  And seriously, Miss N sells her paintings all over the place but she didn't feel like anyone would appreciate this one the way that I truly adore it.  And I do.  And it works.  Enjoy!


Sorry I'm late

My whole day was off....starting with a dentist appointment for TD (Tazmanian Devil)& my schedule was thrown off from there. And the women in the school office stared at me...a bit like deer in headlights. I could see their question (OMG, did you remember his meds today??) and so I informed them that I did not forget to give him that one little pill that makes you people able to deal with him. I had him for 6 and a half years with no help...so sorry if I don't pity your "sort of" 7 hours with him and no meds.

Fuck them.

Why do people irritate me?  When I go run an errand at lunch, the last thing I want to do is stand in line behind all the old people who think they need to be out and about between the hours of 11-1.  THEY DO NOT.  In the Navy, if you are in uniform, you get head of the line privileges.  I think it should work that way in the real world.  I flash my work badge & someone waves me over to check me out.  It's a good little fantasy.  What are the odds I can get Congress to get onboard?  LMAO.  I kill me.

Speaking of Congress....I have meangirl secret.  :)  I have a friend on Facebook, C, that I've known since my days in the Navy...in fact, she was my Chief (she was my boss).  Well.  I love her.  Don't get me wrong.  We were close back in the day.  But some of my views have changed....none of hers have.  Well fast forward to now and EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE is political.  To the far left wing.  And I'm ok with the far left wing thing, I'm ok with the far right wing.  I don't give a shit which way you lean, I just know my ass will be voting the same day you do.  Ok...back to my story.  So on Monday, I posted two newspaper things, one was a political cartoon & one was a Jay Leno quote.  When I scanned them, I made them one pic.  I posted it on FB.  OMG, you would have thought I had put a death threat out on POTUS.  She went insane.  I got lots of lectures from her.  I played it off.  It is still going on, no shit.

What's the secret?  I post that shit for the sole purpose of seeing how pissy she can get with me.  My good friend and co-worker, L (she is hysterical), purposely try & find the most right-wing stuff to post on my page for the sole purpose of 1. Timing how long it takes C to respond; 2. Reading her response & LOL many times and 3. For entertainment at work because yes, as busy as we are, we need a diversion every now & then.  So C is our diversion. 

I know.  I'll see you guys in hell, too.  Off to have a beer or 12.

Trying this Linky thing

I hope it works.

Back in a bit to write more.....my job blogging is interfering with my blogging job.



I hate school.

That's not really in the spirit of winning Mother of the Year now is it.  But whatever.  I don't care.  School pisses me right off.  I hate that it starts in August (hello....that is SUMMER), I hate that it starts early in the morning, I hate all the little "extras" that come with it (buy a school shirt, wanna join the PTO?, wanna be a homeroom mom?, don't forget Spirit Day is Friday and on and on).  No.  I don't want to do any of that shit.  And don't look at me like that, either.  I have to spend the next 9 months listening to the boys whine and groan and argue with me about EVERYTHING that has to do with school.  And wtf is up with all this homework?  What in THE HELL are you doing at school all day?  Don't get me wrong.  I think teachers are awesome & I know they have to stick to the "program" that they're forced to teach instead of thinking outside the box like most of them should be allowed to do......
LMFAOOOOOOOO, the school just called me & said that "we've come to the conclusion that maybe (insert name here....I need to find a nickname for him) hasn't had his medicine today?  Hmmmm?"  Ooops.  Why no he hasn't!!!!  Go ahead and pop him a pill!  My youngest, my 7 yo, has ADHD.  And yeah, roll your eyes....everyone says their kid has that.  Well that phone call should be proof, hahahaha....the kid can't sit still for more than 5 seconds, no shit.  Just ask my bf.  He thought I was exaggerating when he & I were still just talking on the phone....then he got to spend some quality time with him....my Tazmanian Devil.  HEY!  I just gave him a nickname.  TD for short! 

Speaking of my bf....he's sick in bed.  SICK MEN SUCK!  Buncha fucking babies.  I want to yell "SUCK IT UP, WUSS!"  But I haven't come to that point yet.  I truly suck at taking care of sick people.....I warned him about that when he still lived a state away.  Now he knows I wasn't joking.  I guess it's cuz when I'm sick, I want you to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  So when someone else is sick, I apply the same theory.  But I've come to the conclusion that men want to be coddled.  Well find someone else, then....cuz this bitch ain't doin' it.  Roll over & go back to sleep.



Hello fellow Internet junkies!  I decided it's time to get my ass over here & start writing.  Why not...it's just another way to ignore everything else in my world.


I cuss like a sailor.  And I really was a sailor.  In the Navy.  And if you don't like cussing, then don't continue reading because you'll be fucking insulted.  Or appalled.  Or both.  WTFE.

Soooooo....I wonder often these days, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?  And I don't mean this blog...I mean...how did my life get to this point?  I still don't know.  But it's a new life so why not have a new blog to go along with it.

I'm a mom (aren't most bloggers?  Seems that way to me...and they're hysterical--I love all the Mom Bitches out there).  Boys.  Two of them.  10 (11 this month) and 7.  They drive me crazy and I love the little turds.  I'm sure you'll be hearing about them.  Count on it.

I have a husband.  And a boyfriend.  (Nope, I'm not fucking kidding).  Which all has to do with my life question of WTF?  How did this happen?  I've been separated from my husband for over a year....he now lives in another state.  And my bf.....well.....THAT was total accident (WTF IS HAPPENING?).  I wasn't looking, neither was he.  And yes, my husband knows.  Rest assured, the divorce papers should be signed any day now so if you think I'm doing something wrong, then quit reading & call my mother who will agree with you & you can both flatter each other with how RIGHT you are and nevermind the fact that your judgment of me reflects poorly on you & therefore, I don't really give a fuck what you think.

But anyway....here's my start.  Or my do-over.  Whatever.  I'm hungry & it's almost lunchtime.  I brought soup.  Homemade soup.  I'm a soup junkie, too.  And a vegetarian.  I live in Oklahoma.  LOL, if that's not an oxy-moron then I don't know what is...OH WAIT...I live in the Bible Belt & I don't go to church...there's another one.  Although, I will say, these Oklahomans (no, I'm not native to OK) are serious about their churchin' & I get invited to attend at least once a week by someone who obviously doesn't know me very well.  Shit, just the thought of going in a church conjures up images of the church floor opening up to swallow me.

That's it for now.  I need food.  Soup.