Confessions

I confess:

I haven't blogged recently (duh).  Because I had other people things to do.

I am 30 minutes late for work nearly every day.  But it's ok.  They know I'm here late every day, too.

When I drink vodka, I go to bed at 8pm.  And I don't remember if I showered or not.

I hate deciding what to fix for dinner.  Just tell me what you want & I'll cook it. 

I adore sex.  I want more of it.

I'd make my own porno but these days, you just never know where it's gonna land.

My blood pressure was 158/97 the other day.  I need to fix that.

I drank vodka last night.  I went to bed at 8pm.  I showered first.  I know this because I asked him.  The one I want more sex with.  The one I would make a porno with.  And the camera is on the nightstand.......

Dirty thoughts.

It could happen to you....Part 2

Here's a Friday funny....it didn't actually happen last night but I will admit that it did happen to me.  No shit.  This was the email I sent to my friends who I knew would appreciate the story, LOL.  Here goes:


I went to bed last night. Got up around 3am to pee. I'm sitting there peeing, finish, and go to stand up when my foot slides forward, out from under me. I immediately fall backwards into the toilet, hitting it so hard that the tank shattered and water begins spewing everywhere.

Pants still around my ankles.

W yells "what the hell?" but never got out of bed....and I am now on the floor, soaked from head to toe and trying to reach the water shut-off valve while I'm being sprayed in the face. And my knee is bleeding.  And it's dark.

I finally reach the shut-off valve & get the water off.  My floor is covered in water, my rugs are soaked. I get towels (everyone is STILL sleeping soundly), throw the rugs into the tub and begin towel-mopping. Dried it as best I could at 3am and changed clothes.

I go back to bed.

This morning, W calls me, laughing, and says "uh, did you have some sort of explosion happen in the toilet last night? What the hell happened?" So I told him, he asked if I was okay and then proceeded to laugh his ass off. Thanks, jackass.

This is what happens when your boys don't wipe the floor after they are done showering. 

But anyway, I'll be buying a new toilet today.

I've attached a pic for your viewing pleasure.  No laughing. 

Second weddings (LOL, I'm not even done with my first marriage yet) are on my mind.  No, I'm not engaged, no, there are no immediate plans for anything like that, although we have discussed it & we both want to marry each other.  And he mentioned that I should be mulling plans over in my head.  How does a couple plan a second wedding?  Is it supposed to be a big deal?  Do you invite every single person you've ever spoken to or do you just show up at the courthouse & say "I do"?  My closest friends know I'll marry him--they're just waiting to see how I'm going to do it because they know it won't be conventional.  But I'm not even sure what conventional means when you talk about re-marriage.

These are the things I do know:  We will get married locally.  I refuse to travel to our homestate for the convenience of others (the majority of our families are there).  I figure if they want to be a part of it, they can drive their happy asses here.  It's only 4 hours.  ONLY.  I can hear the grumbling already.  But oh well, we make that fucking trip at least once a month so I refuse to feel bad about that.

It has to be summer & I think I want to have it outside.  But Oklahoma summers are brutal.  I'm the only one I know who is happy when it's 100 degrees.  But still, an early evening affair with a drunken dance/party afterward in some kind of dance hall or someone's barn would be good.  I want it to be away from the city--we were both raised in the country, and that feels right.

I don't want traditional vows.  We both did that before.  Now that we have experienced how marriages can be or how they can end, there are more important things to me than "love, honor, cherish" and "richer or poorer"....not that I don't agree with those but there are a lot more things I need to add that are much more colorful.

Orange.  There has to be orange involved.  And some yellow.  Maybe some red, too.  Bright.  Festive.  Warm.  Inviting.

Do you send invites to a second wedding or do you just say SHOW UP?  Can you see how informal we are? 

Bridal parties (do you know how hard that is for me to say--it sounds SOOOO girly & so pretentious).  Right now, I can't think of anyone besides myself that needs to stand up there.  I don't need help except for maybe someone to hold the ring until it's time.  Is that okay? 

Clothing:  He mentioned once that shorts & flip-flops work for him (and that really is saying something because he's a total redneck who wears boots & jeans & not much else).  But when we started seeing each other, it was over 100 degrees & I insisted he put on shorts & flip-flops....and I got him addicted.  :)  So if he wears shorts & flip-flops, which is totally fine with me, I'm not sure what to do with that.  Do I wear shorts & flip-flops?  I kinda want to.  But on the other hand, he's never seen me in a dress & that would be cool, too, with flip-flops, of course.  And not a traditional wedding dress.  Just a simple kinda sundress....kinda like this one:  http://www.myshape.com/shop/style/207069?utm_source=CI&utm_medium=feeds&utm_campaign=CI-Shopping&srccode=cii_13736960&cpncode=21-64930767-2

And food:  One of my most-awesome friends said she would do all the food if I didn't make her travel.  That's tempting.  But what kind of food?  Light & airy or a meal?  If it's in the evening, I'm thinking a meal but nothing formal....meat & potatoes kinda thing (it's a midwestern thing, anyway).  But of course, someone will be making me something vegetarian so I can eat, too.

Speaking of food, let's discuss the cake--I want something really awesome on the eyes but it doesn't necessarily have to be a "traditional" cake.  I was thinking if I have a traditional cake, the topper would have to be flip-flops.  Just a thought.

And I don't want people to dress up.  I want them to be comfortable.  I want them to wear jeans or shorts.  If you're in a barn, you do not need to be in your Sunday best & besides, if you're invited, you know how informal we are.  Let's just get the formalities out of the way and start drinking beer. 

Beer:  Probably a couple three kegs.  After that, byob.  Ya think?  And btw, I'll have had several beers BEFORE the nuptials are ever spoken.  Or maybe some Hot Damn for good breath.  LMAO....

So let me hear from you guys.  Thoughts?  Ideas?  Suggestions?  Memories of your own weddings? 

Huh? What? I didn't do it. It wasn't me.

It's all over & done.  The birthday, Halloween, surviving 5 kids over the weekend, trick-or-treating, candy, costumes, blah blah blah.  It's D.O.N.E.  That means I woke up in a pretty good mood for a Monday.  :)  I've learned a few things, however, and feel that I should share:

I was not meant to have five kids.  I am not jealous of anyone who does have five kids.  Kudos to you, but no.  Here was the dynamic for the weekend:  We had two 11yo boys & three 7yo's.  Two boys & a girl.  So we had 4 boys & a girl.  That's just the right combination to make life miserable interesting.  The two older boys were content to hang out & play video games....until the laser in the Xbox (I think that's what it is...maybe it's a Wii?) anyway the laser broke.  And BURNED a perfect circle into the brand new video game that HB got for his b-day.

I suspect the game console was kicked or hit by a 7yo.  Just sayin.  But no one confessed.  Are you as shocked by that as I was?

Do not go grocery shopping with three 7yo's.  Before you leave the store, everyone in there will know all the kids' names & think that their last name is "Getoverherenow!" as a "goddammit!" is muttered under your breath.  The shoppers will think you're a terrible mother who has no control over her children.  Once you leave the store, you're pretty sure there was a collective sigh of relief along with applause.  At this point, you & your bf/gf will *maybe* begin to speak to each other again.  MAYBE.

When I cook a meal, you will eat it or go hungry.  I have neither the time nor the patience for your whining.  I don't give a shit if you're used to having your very own short-order cook.  I am not one of them.  Besides, it's freakin tator-tot casserole.  Shut up & eat it or go to bed hungry.  I bet you'll have an appetite when it's time to eat Halloween candy, huh?

FYI--seven year olds say "shit" & "fuck" when they think you can't hear them.  And they use them in the right context.  I just thought you should know.

One girl can out-whine four boys.  Thank you to whomever it is that gave me boys.  You certainly knew what you were doing.

No I will not take them to (the equivalent of) Chuck E Cheese.  Those places are disgusting & I'm not spending $150ish bucks on five kids so we can leave with a buck's worth of "prizes".  No. 

How come they all go deaf when it's time to clean up a messy room or when they're asked how something got broken?  I hope that medical research will provide an answer soon.

And here's a hypothetical question...has nothing to do with kids...

Say you found a cute plastic ring (it's red & says XOXO in blue) & you put it on cuz you liked it.  And you're laying in bed with your bf/gf joking about it being an engagement ring (cuz we're goofy like that) & then you decide your facebook status should be about your engagement ring (cuz it's funny, dammit!) & then you change your relationship status to "engaged" & people start posting congrats & when's the date questions....and you respond & say the date is 2-30-11....would you believe it?